Thoughts On… – Mentally Okayish

Yep. You read that right. “Shoulding on yourself.” Not “shitting” on yourself. Generally the same idea, but with a very interesting twist. Before I dive into what this means, I would like to thank my professor Dr. Robitschek for sharing this interesting cognitive tool.

So, what does it mean? Think about it… how many times a day to you say “I should be doing ‘x'” or “You should….” or “He/She should…” should, SHoUlD SHOULD. After typing that three times you began to realize how oddly words are spelled but whatever! MOVING ON. The idea behind this tool is that you will retrain your brain to stop using the word “should”. It is ridiculous to think that you will be able to eliminate this word from your vocabulary completely (I know) however, you might be able to seriously cut back on your use of it.

That’s right, I’m talking about everyone’s most (or least) favorite form of therapy… C B T ! (hold for applause). Yeah yeah, we all know it’s everywhere. And if you don’t know… boy do I have some news for you. Almost every single therapy has some tie to CBT whether we choose to admit/ recognize it or not. Anytime you want to switch up something you do, you are confronting your negative actions/ thoughts, and retraining your brain to do better. That my friends, is the quick and easy version of CBT.

“How do we stop “shoulding on ourselves”?”, you ask? Well, I’m still questioning that myself. I have tried to start from the bottom. Anytime I think “damn I really should get myself out of bed and take a shower” I have tried to replace it with “it might be more beneficial if I get out of bed right this second and bathe myself, but the world probably won’t come to an end if I lay here for another 5 minutes.” I realize that this application won’t work in every situation. Like, when someone is on the floor dripping blood and you think “Gosh, someone really should call the ambulance”. YES, you are correct. Drop the should and actually call the damn ambulance, please!

But this is more about those little things, the one’s we make ourselves feel guilty for doing, or not doing. I should call my mom. Guilt. I should get a job. Guilt. I should, I should, I should. Guilt, guilt and more guilt. Who likes to feel guilty? Not me, that’s for damn sure. And yet, I feel guilty all the freaking time because I feel obligated to do all of these things and when I don’t do them…I get angry with myself. On my calendar I have in big red letters “call practicum sites”. Well, thats been on my list of things to do every Wednesday and Friday for the past 4 weeks. To be honest, I am tired of feeling like a p.o.s because I feel like I should call. To fix my issue I have decided, I will get to it when I can and when I am ready. Maybe there is a reason I haven’t called yet. Do I: feel nervous or unprepared, feel afraid of making this become a reality, feel like I will try to back out of my obligations? Yes, all of the above. So instead of forcing myself into something at the risk of not completing the task to the best of my ability… I threw should in the trash and decided that… I’ll do it when I am ready.

At the end of the day, those little sneaky should moments always creep in like the cockroach we all fear and wish would go extinct. The point of ceasing the “shoulding on yourself” is to squash that f*cking cockroach (or “should”) before it starts to fly. Throw should in the trash, free yourself of guilt, and do things when you can. Life won’t come to an end if you don’t do all of the things right away, I promise (kind of).
NO. MORE. SHOULDS!

What do you think of when you first read the word problems? Money, relationships, family, work, car, house, yourself? If you’re like me all of these different problems slap you in the face when you read that word. Your palms might start sweating and your heart might beat a little faster while you think about all the things you need to fix but you just … can’t. And if you’re like me, you also look for someone to tell your problems to. So, what do you do when that person you confide in responds with something along the lines of “it could be worse” or “you should realize how lucky you are.”

If you’re like me, your first thought might be “fuck you” (probably don’t say this part aloud) followed by anger and tuning out everything else the other person is saying. Why do people say this? Why can’t my emotional baggage and problems be just that, my problems. Everyone always wants to talk about how we shouldn’t compare money, bodies, jobs, opportunities, etc. But when it comes to problems all of a sudden it’s you against the other seven billion people in the world. And let’s be honest…. it’s really hard to compete with the starving kids in Africa.

My suggestion, to myself and everyone else who has this problem, is to own your fucking problems. Let that baggage be as heavy as it needs to be and unpack it when you’re ready. I don’t mean you have to sit in a pit of despair and only think about the people who have wronged you. However, I do mean that you’re allowed to feel what you feel no matter how big or small it seems to other people. You have money problems? That fucking sucks, feel it anyways. You have relationship problems? Cry as much as you need and don’t listen to a single person that says “you did this to yourself” (even if there’s a slight chance you did). You hate your job, your car won’t start and the house is a pig sti? It is okay to feel whatever way you feel, stressed, angry, sad, hopeless, however it comes.

I am tired of people ranting and raving about everyone picking everyone else up. The truth is, when it comes time for everyone to listen to someone else talk about their issues we can’t be objective listeners. I think that’s pretty shitty of us, I mean who are we to tell our best friend “honestly, it’s not that bad”. Do you think that’s helpful? I sure don’t. Next time someone comes to you with a problem, even if you think it’s so small that it would make a single speck of sand look huge, listen anyways. And I meant actually listen. Don’t sit there and half-ass it. Imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes, consider that maybe this one single problem is affecting their entire life in ways you can’t see. And then, let that person have their problems. Consider language like “I can see how that might be difficult for you.” or “wow, you’re really strong for being able to deal with all of that.”

It’s not a competition of whose life is the shittiest. But we all have really shitty things happen to us. We should be able to talk to each other and feel safe, rather than afraid or belittled. Be someone’s listener, find your own listener. We are all humans, and all humans have problems. Own them.

Mentally Okayish

Category: Thoughts On…

Thoughts on… “Shoulding on Yourself”

Thoughts On… Problems.